Summary: This is the second post in our two-part series focused on what we learned at Tony Robbins’ Relationship Program. In this post, I cover the importance of filling yourself up first, polarity, some of the differences between how men and women communicate, marketing and innovation, and intimacy. Finally, we wrap up the article by providing you with some of the resources from the conference and those that I plan on consuming over the next six months to continue to take our relationship to the next level.
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In the last post, we covered the stages of intimate relationships and my number one insight from Tony Robbins’ relationship conference: your partner must be your first priority.
In this post, we explore additional insights including concepts taught by some of the other speakers at the conferences. They covered a wide range of topics including the importance of filling yourself up first, polarity, differences between how men and women communicate, marketing and innovation and intimacy. We cover each of these topics below.
Takeaway #2: You must fill yourself up first
During the week, Allison Armstrong discussed the importance of filling yourself up or tending to yourself first before giving to your partner or anyone else.
She used the analogy of a pool inside yourself. There are different things that fill each person’s pool. Some people may need eight hours of sleep, others may need exercise, some may need music or reading or dancing, for example.
The key here is this: if you are not filled up yourself, and you try to give from a half-empty pool, there won’t be anything to give because you’re exhausted, drained, and just forcing yourself instead of coming from a place of abundance.
Think back to when you first met your partner. Did he/she have high energy, joyfulness, playfulness? Was he/she sexy and erotic? And what were you like?
What was your relationship like when both of you showed up with more energy and engagement?
So what’s changed?
Allison’s argument is that we’ve let the daily stresses of life drain our pools. And we don’t take care of ourselves to fill those pools up. And then, we expect to be able to give to our partner. As she says, who wants to jump into a half-empty pool? How about a pool that’s overflowing?
But how do you fill yourself up?
First, you need to identify what fills you up. Then, you need to create time and space to fill up. This may mean scheduling time for yourself. It also means setting barriers, so that you don’t allow things to get you off track.
Like Allison says: You will never allow another human being to treat you better than you treat yourself. As she puts it, practice being great on purpose.
This also means protecting your partner’s ability to fill himself/herself up as well. So, if your partner needs his Sundays to watch football to fill up, for example, you make sure you’re the biggest champion of them doing it. Because, ultimately, a partner who is filled up will show up to the relationship in a much different way.
When your partner is filled up and happy, it will bring joy to you too.
An interesting wrinkle to this is that Allison Armstrong describes how men and women are different in how their pools fill up. Women, she says, are like colanders and men are like bowls. Women are “leaky;” they need frequent filling to keep full. Men, on the other hand, can fill up and have it last a long time.
An example is a man might be able to go for a hike and stay filled for a week. A woman, on the other hand, needs to be told she is loved daily. I share this analogy with you because it rang true for us and for a lot of the other people we spoke to.
I know it’s particularly difficult to make the time you need to fill up, especially as parents. There are a million demands made on you every day. You’re overstretched and exhausted.
But, you must make time to fill yourself up. Remember, your intimate relationship depends on it.
Takeaway #3: There is a difference between masculine and feminine energies
Okay, I realize I might start to lose some of you here. I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty intense feminist. Prior to starting Tony Robbins, you’d have been hard-pressed to get me to admit that men and women are innately different creatures. Along those lines, I’ve had some difficulty choking down Tony’s masculine/feminine dichotomy over the last six months.
But, this week, I finally got it. And now I wholeheartedly embrace the belief that men and women have some core differences in how we see and interact with the world and each other. So, if you’re starting to feel some seeds of doubt, stick with me for a little bit while I try to clarify things, because this is a culturally-thorny issue and there’s a ton of associated baggage!
First, let me clarify that I’m using masculine and feminine like Tony does. By this, I mean masculine energy tends to be predominant in men and feminine energy tends to be predominant in women, but the reverse can be true. Also, both sexes have both energies in them. However, each person has a baseline predominant energy that is natural to him/her.
You know your baseline energy because it feels natural. When you’re in it, you feel less tense, less forced. You feel more relaxed.
Neither masculine nor feminine energy is stronger or better in any way. They are just different.
Allison Armstrong classifies these opposing energies as the “open” (feminine) and “committed” (masculine) operating systems instead of using gendered language because she believes that they are too emotionally charged. She describes the open operating system as focused on alternatives, possibilities, connection and feeling like there is more than enough time. The committed operating system is result-oriented, about intention and focused on the destination, feeling a pressing time limit.
She teaches that one way you know you’re in one operating system vs. another as a woman is the way you walk. If you’re meandering, looking around, unstressed, you’re in the open (feminine) system. If you’re directed, walking quickly and focused, you’re in the committed (masculine).
However you want to classify it, the key with the difference between masculine and feminine is that we often move through our relationships in our unnatural state, and this causes damage both to ourselves and our relationship.
One of my big insights this week was that I had lost my true feminine self. When I think about who I am, I am truly feminine at my core. Over the last several years, in medicine and especially in business, I’ve spent most of my time in the masculine. I’ve largely lost my playful, spontaneous, relaxed energy. I’m focused and driven, but it doesn’t carry the same level of joy and fulfillment because I just don’t feel like myself.
One way I was able to see that this week was by participating in an activity called S factor. This was a program for those with predominantly feminine energy. It is designed to help you tap into your feminine energy and movement. To the outsider, S factor could look like pole and lap dance training, but the truth is, it was all about focusing on learning how to enjoy our feminine bodies and selves again. We were reclaiming our female selves and our sexuality. I can’t tell you how many women had breakthroughs during our daily training because they finally felt that they were reclaiming their true identities.
The masculine energies, on the other hand, spent every morning training to protect their families and selves in a program called Target Focus Training (TFT) with Tim Larkin. Kenji found it to be extremely valuable and practical. He states that TFT “trumps all martial arts” because it’s not about the sport or exercise. It’s not even about self-defense. TFT is only focused on one thing: to cause incapacitating injury to someone who is attempting to harm your family. You have to do so with one move because you may only have one opportunity to save yourself and your family. Kenji and numerous other men plan on attending future Tim Larkin trainings (and Kenji wants me to attend so I can protect myself as well).
Why are masculine and feminine energies so important?
The difference between masculine and feminine energy is important for a couple of reasons. First, as I alluded to, it’s tough to live in the opposite energy as your core all the time. It’s more stressful to be masculine if you are at base feminine. At times, it’s useful to be able to switch roles. But you don’t want to be stuck in the opposite energy for the majority of your time.
Second, polarity is important to relationships.
When a masculine energy meets a feminine energy, there is an attraction. But, if both energies are the same polarity, for example, masculine, there is no attraction.
In addition, there is also a problem with attraction in a relationship where both partners have assumed a mask that is not their natural one. This occurs quite frequently. For example, women may become more masculine, especially if they are the breadwinner, and the man assumes a more feminine energy. Both partners are wearing masks, and both don’t enjoy it.
If you can reclaim your natural energy and your partner can as well, you will change the dynamics of your relationship and reignite your passion. It’s not surprising, then, that we spent a lot of time reclaiming our true selves this week!
Is your natural energy masculine or feminine? Which energy is your predominant? Which is your core?
If you feel that you have lost your connection to your true identity, check out the resources at the bottom of the post to dive deeper into this topic.
Takeaway #4: Intimacy and passion are vital to an extraordinary relationship
There was a significant amount of time spent on increasing intimacy, passion, and improving sexual energy in our relationships.
We worked on recognizing and mapping our partner’s sexual blueprints with Jiaya, learning how to bring mindfulness to sex with Dr. Cheryl Fraser, and learning different ways to please our partner and ourselves with Mantak Chia.
So what can I teach you about what I learned this week?
I think the most important thing that I learned is that you must have space in order to create passion. What happens in a lot of relationships over time is that we are comfortable. There is a high level of certainty, trust, and friendship. But the sexual energy dwindles because there’s not as much excitement, passion, and intrigue.
To bring that back, you must create space.
You can create space doing many of the activities I’ve previously mentioned in part one of this series: spending time focusing on each other’s wants and needs and filling yourself up.
You can also create space by marketing and innovating, which is analogous to what businesses must do to create raving fans of their products.
Imagine your partner as your customer. Would you ignore your best customer, take them for granted and put no effort towards keeping them happy? Of course not. You would market and innovate to keep your best customers happy.
Likewise, marketing and innovation are necessary to keep your partner engaged, excited, and passionate. You must make a daily effort to please your partner and keep him/her coming back for more. That involves bringing your best self (attitude, energy, fitness, care to physical appearance).
In summary, creating space takes effort. Do you see a theme here?!?
The second important point about improving sexual energy is educating yourself. This point was brought home when one of the speakers asked how many of us had read 10 business books. Almost everyone raised their hands. She then asked, “How many of you have read 10 books on intimacy or sex?” Very few raised their hands.
I was part of that latter group. Clearly we all have work to do! I’ll list some of the readings suggested by our instructors at the end of this post.
Takeaway #5: Approach your partner with curiosity
We all have stories that we tell about our partners. We read their actions or statements according to our perspective using filters from our past.
Our partner is selfish. Our partner is lazy. Our partner doesn’t care about us.
Each of their actions we filter through our own minds and our previous experiences (and scars) to give them meaning. Meanings we’ve created.
As Sage, Tony’s wife, has said, we create meanings that we put on our partners like sticky notes. We put notes about who they are and how they are all over them. We do this to the point that we can’t even see them anymore. Just our perceptions of who they are remains. It’s the story we’ve created about them in our minds.
No wonder so many couples feel resistance and then move into resentment, rejection, and repression.
If 99% of healing is letting go of our stories, then the key is realizing we don’t actually see reality. We only see our perception. And it can be totally wrong.
As participants of the Relationship program, we saw this time and time again as Tony and Sage performed multiple interventions on couples.
It was fascinating to observe these couples. One person would tell their story, and it would seem totally reasonable. Then the other person would stand up and tell their story, which would also seem totally reasonable. It was shocking how quickly we get wrapped up in our own perceptions and believe that they are reality, instead of seeing them as totally subjective.
But, what if you approached your partner with curiosity instead of telling yourself a story about him/her?
What if you tried to understand their perspective? What if you tried to find an empowering meaning in what they said or how they acted? And what if you spent the time to learn their attachment style (see below under references), supporting them in the way they needed?
As Tony likes to say, communication is either a loving response or a cry for help. So the next time your partner is acting in a certain way, can you choose to approach him or her not with anger or judgement but instead in an emotionally neutral state and attempt to understand his/her perspective?
How would that change your relationship?
Takeaway #6: Show appreciation in the way that your partner receives it
During one of her lectures, Allison Armstrong asked, “What if most of us are living in appreciation starvation not because our partners don’t notice or even appreciate what we do, but because they do not express it in the way and to the level that we need to have it register?”
How powerful is that?
The fact is this: men and women are different. Individuals are different. We all communicate in different ways and receive appreciation in different ways.
The key is exploring how your partner works and adapting your behavior to help them feel appreciated.
You can do this by asking them questions such as: What are your cherished dreams? How do you feel appreciation? What are your dreaded feelings? What are your favorite feelings?
It was enlightening.
Consider asking yourself: How does my partner feel appreciation in our relationship? What is my partner’s appreciation currency? And then, consider asking him/her!
What are you going to change? What is your relationship future?
Hopefully, this post has given all of you ideas about what you want to change in your own intimate relationships, as well as some tools to do so. Note that I have listed some of the speakers with links to their websites below. I’ve also listed some additional reading.
In closing, let me leave you with one final pearl from the weekend. These are the feelings that feminine and masculine energies dread in relationships.
Feminine 3 Us – unseen, not understood, unsafe
Masculine 3 Cs – criticized, closed, controlled
Avoid making your partner feel any of these and you’ll be golden!
List of Speakers
Allison Armstrong – author and speaker
Jaiya – sexologist and creator of erotic blueprint
Cheryl Fraser – sex-therapist and author of Buddha’s Bedroom
Tom Larkin – Target Focus Training instructor
Sheila Kelley – S Factor, female movement
Mantak Chia – speaker and author of Multiorgasmic Man
Stephen Cowan – author of Fire Child, Water Child (see below)
List of Books
Hold Me Tight – Sue Johnson
She Comes First – Ian Kurner
Keys to the Kingdom – Allison Armstrong
Queen’s Code – Allison Armstrong
Buddha’s Bedroom – Cheryl Frasier
Multiorgasmic Man – Mantak Chia
Come as You Are – Emily Nagoski
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman
Fire Child, Water Child – Stephen Cowan
Have you read any of these books or heard any of these speakers? What were your thoughts? Share your takeaways in the comments! Then, be sure to join our Facebook community to connect with like minds!
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